Marriage Mondays: Bringing out-laws IN

When Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you,” (Ruth 1:16-17) she was talking about her mother-in-law. Naomi had nothing to offer Ruth then, no financial help, no waiting son for the young widow, and no encouragement. So bitter that she wanted to be called “Mara,” Naomi would’ve challenged the most selfless daughter-in-law, and she did. (Read about the story of Ruth and Naomi here.)

The perspective of parent-in-laws

Ruth’s attitude may seem far from your reality, but the holidays might just give us the perfect chance to practice her attitude. A mother-in-law may find herself in an awkward place, forced to embrace someone she didn’t choose who will cause a massive shift in her family. Full of emotions herself, she may struggle to walk the fine line of relating to her child’s new family, trying to know and be known by a semi-stranger now declared “family.”

When I brought Jeff home, he had little to offer … from my parents’ perspective: He dethroned a young man they admired and came with empty pockets, from a different region of the country. My dad leaned across the table to point his finger at Jeff and say, “If you hurt my daughter, I’ll come after you and shoot you.” Twenty-seven years later, we all laugh about it, and Jeff feels blessed to have had loving in-laws who have embraced him.

The temptation of child-in-laws

Distance may pose challenges, but it doesn’t have to stifle family relationships. The holiday season forces some couples to get up close and personal with in-laws they seldom see, since so many people have moved away from “home.” Couples who live near both sets of family are rare, though miles don’t determine the quality of a relationship.

Though a husband/wife may find themselves more comfortable with one family of origin over another, it’s not okay to just spend holidays with one family to the exclusion of the other. That’s the equivalent of putting up a Christmas tree and then never watering it, and who wants to see an in-law drop her needles or watch a relationship go up in flames? That’s asking for a “Blue Christmas” and “Love is a Battlefield.” We might be tempted to favor the family we’re comfortable with. If you find yourself humming “I’ll be home for Christmas,” you might consider some basic principles I imagine Ruth lived by.

In-law principles to live by

• Communication – Families communicate differently; a wife does well to study and understand how her family of marriage relates. You might not be a phone talker or Facebooker, but find way to communicate and be faithful. Both partners need to find their way to reach out, so it isn’t one sided. Building bridges of communication will bless your spouse, your children, your in-laws, and you.
• Name calling – This is “awkward moment #1” for so many newly engaged of married couples. What to call the in-laws?? They aren’t your parent, but now they’re you’re “in-law parent.” You might need to have your spouse act as ambassador, but establish early on what you will call your new relatives. Don’t wait and hope it will just “happen;” it won’t. It may be easier if you have children to declare names like “Grandma” and “Grandpa,” but don’t wait for that day. Kids aren’t born talking!
• Touching – Awkward moment #2. Again, don’t wait, and if you’ve been married twenty years, start now. Find your expression. Side hug? Frontal hug? Kiss cheeks? Kiss lips? Pat on the back? Whatever your comfort level and theirs, find a way to touch and reach out.
• Prayer – This can be the first step to a Ruth-like relationship. Prayer for someone builds affection, patience, long-suffering, and kindness. It releases you from feeling the weight of changing your situation and casts that burden where it belongs, on the Lord. Let Him work in your heart and mind to prepare you for that next “in-law moment.”
• Initiative – Ruth didn’t know how bitter Naomi would respond, but she took the initiative to do right. You may do right and be rejected or ignored, but continue to do right. You may need to set boundaries for the health of your marriage, so you aren’t torn apart, but even as you take a step back, step gently.

 

This holiday season, can you say “Your people shall be my people?” Take a step towards being the Ruth in your in-law’s life. God will bless you and your spouse for generations to come.

What do you think makes a great parent-in-law? 

What do you think makes a great child-in-law?