Marriage Monday: According to Countess Grantham

So it might not be realistic to plan for a return to the “finer things” of Downton Abbey in your marriage this year, but there’s something even commoners can  take away from the aristocratic combo that has many of us thinking tea time might have its benefits.  In the words of the stately and influential Countess of Grantham, “Vulgarity is just a substitute for wit.”

You won’t find vulgar words in a happy marriage. Crude talk tempts our tongues when conflict arises or problems surface, two things which are sure to happen in wedded bliss. A heated exchange on a (ahem) Sunday morning? A brewing conflict in the car as you arrive at the in-laws? A lightning fast change of tone just as things were warming up under the covers? A fast volley of words over the checkbook on a Saturday? Or a harmless card game that brings out your inner “one-of-the-guys?” A married couple who tames their tongues is more likely to have a union that’s respectful and loving.

When was the last time you blurted out an “un-comely” word? Were you in the midst of a marital meltdown?  Were you caught up in a moment of attempting to be funny? We’ve heard that an awesome wife uses her words well, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Prov. 31:26). But do those occasional (or more frequent than we care to admit) “common” words make a difference in our marriage? You probably have a list in your mind of “words we don’t use.”  Your list might be similar to mine, but your culture and your background and your context usually drives the choice of words on your “low list.” If modern vocabulary is always stretching to include more “street language” making its way into our conversation, so shouldn’t we expand too?

A married couple who tames their tongues is more likely to have a union that’s respectful and loving. When a husband or wife resist using low language or making crude comments with each other, it makes a statement:

• You are worthy of respect; I choose to honor you.
• You need to know I love you; I choose to consider my messages.
• My words are powerful; I choose to protect you from injury.
• My words expose my heart; I choose to yield to the Spirit.
• I speak in a gentle way; I want to be treated with gentleness.
• I use good quality words; I want to be attractive to you.
• Our conversation is being heard; I want God to be pleased.
• Our words make a statement; I want us to have a good reputation.

Surrounded by a world that makes regular use of crude words, we must be intentional about guarding our tongues together. Anyone can drop down to street language. It takes a woman who longs for a respectful marriage to raise the bar for her words. Language sets the tone of our relationship, and our union sets the tone of our whole home. One way to foster an environment of respect, gentleness, and beauty is by lifting the level of our language.

Is the Lord whispering to you that you’ve already let your lingo sound like it’s more in line with the locker room than with love? Or is there “that moment” that comes to mind when you unleashed your tongue and garbage came out? You’re not alone.

1.  Ask God to show you a true picture of your conversational patterns and your exceptions. (Psalm 139:24-24)
2. Acknowledge the power of your words. (James 3:3-5)
3. Admit your untamed tongue to the Lord and ask Him to clean it up. (1 John 1:9)
4. Ask God to make your words acceptable according to His standard. (Psalm 19:14)

Maybe “Downton Abbey” has captured so many of us, because we secretly long for a return to more polite, more respectful, more gentle ways.  Maybe we also wish we had a “staff” downstairs who would cook and clean!  I’m not holding my breath for the staff, but I think I’ll start with making my words worthy of my Master.

Did you reflect on how to Avoid a False Start with your mate this year?

Pass on today’s wise words from Countess Grantham or leave a comment & share what you think.