You might be one of those who told me you’re worried about family hostility on family holidays. Regardless of how we decorate or dress up, being together matters with family and friends. But being together might belong on your “give it a try” list instead of the “give my thanks” list. You might have fear of family tension or conflict. Wouldn’t you love to trade fear of family times for something better? If you’re going to gather ’round the table, can it be good?
The true holiday narrative often includes fear that family conversations will fall apart and erupt in conflict. It’s not hard to imagine, because we spend a lot of time thinking about the flavor of the food we cook instead of the flavor of the family conversation we make. God knows we have a had time getting along. No, really. God knows. In fact, in Psalm 34 we get practical wisdom for people wanting peace with other people, even family.
Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. … The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. … The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned. (Psalm 34 excerpts)
Turn away
Decide now that you will. Before you even pick a seat at the table, (or open the door) decide you will “turn away from evil.” When the moment comes, and it will, and you could respond with sarcasm or snark or show off your knowledge, change direction. Let go of the “right” to push into sensitive topics or make issues more important than individuals. Turn away from a hint of antagonism.
Do good
Turning from evil is a first step. To make a decision to do good to those around you sets your course towards kindness. People are enamored with the story of Mister Rogers, a man who said, “There are three ways to ultimate success. The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.” When connecting with family, kindness leads to peace. Doing good has always been God’s way.
Look for it
Plan to figure out how to be peaceful with your kinfolk and company. Psalm 34:14 tells us to “Seek peace.” The word means we search for it and make an effort to get it. Mix different people with different problems and positions and you’ll need to seek peace. Add in broken families and blended relationships and things go from murky to messy. Throw out pride with that nasty turkey neck! Consider each family member and search for what speaks “peace” to each. Look for ways to do good and speak goodness around the table.
Insist on it
If we want to be free of the fear we may feel about family conflict, we have to chase after it persistently. When your first act of kindness is met with rudeness or your gift of hospitality is undervalued, persist. If we insist on one thing, let it be peace.
We can decide now how we will approach family times in the holidays. How can we know resisting snark and chasing peace will lead to a holiday we want to remember? God’s eyes are watching and His ears are listening (Psalm 34:15, 17) and He is so near (v. 18). Friends, as we make God’s ways our ways, peaceful ways, we can trust Him to redeem (take back and restore) the ugly things of our broken families. That’s truly something to be thankful for.
Happy Holidays!
A Prayer about Fear of Family and Peace:
Dear God, I know You love peace, but things with family are sometimes not always festive. I actually have some fear as we get closer to the holidays. Would you watch and listen and help me trade my fear for peace in our family gathering? Help me see ways to do good to others. Please use me to bring peace to my family this holiday season.
