It’s not easy to keep kids learning and listening while managing online or out of the ordinary schooling. It takes a balance of grace and discipline. The first week of school here was barely half-way through when the superintendent informed parents the online format would change to a hybrid model in two weeks. “Our district’s responses to the instructional challenges brought on by the pandemic have formed and changed a multitude of times this summer, as state guidance shifts in reaction to its trajectory and new learnings about safe practices. I wish I could say this will not happen again,” she wrote. While parents know consistency creates a calm home life and productive academic routines, many families find it’s out of their hands.
This school year, and family life overall, have changed from what we know, and it will continue to change. Behavior and stress undermine academic progress and peace at home. How do we balance grace and discipline?
A mom in India wrote and asked me for some help on this. Kids are stuck inside around the world trying to do school! That’s why this is a bit longer than usual. 😉 I’m sharing the resource with you also, because as you’ll see … we are all sometimes idle, fainthearted, and weak.
A trio of leaders in a very unholy city (Corinth) penned a letter to a young group of Christians in the port city of Thessalonica. (No, not Portland, a port city …) In the tense times, some experienced conflict, some faced verbal attack, and many suffered persecution. Times were so bad people wanted to know when this world would end and Jesus would make all things new. I’d like to know too, but we aren’t meant to get hung up on the time. The practical guidance of the letter they wrote to the Thessalonians helps parents today know how to approach giving grace and maintaining discipline. (Unless noted, all scripture today is from 1 Thessalonians 5)
Christian learning is full of LIGHT
- Teaching right now is like making a cup of tea on a surfboard. (No. I’m just imagining.)
- Learning right now is like roller skating while tied to a chicken. (No. More imagining .)
Grownups and children are all learning hard lessons that have nothing to do with academics. But God intends for us to do the hard things as “children of light.”
“For you are all children of light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or the darkness. So then, let us not sleep, like the rest, but let us stay awake and be self-controlled. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled and put on the armor of faith and love, and a helmet of the hope of salvation.”
(Verses 5-8)
Christian parenting is full of WISDOM
We don’t have all the wisdom we need. This is why God invites us to ask for wisdom and assures us He will give it (James 1:5). There’s nothing like a Pandemic to make us pray. If we’re trying to teach or learn in these tense and unpredictable times, we need to pray more than before.
Verse 17 says, “Pray without ceasing.” If you have children learning at home, it’s not hard to stay in a constant state of prayer! And if you’re trying to teach or care for learners at school, you pray from start to finish. The Holy Spirit is working (see verse 19) through the hardest, heaviest things of this seemingly unholy year. Because it’s not unholy at all. God is using it to grow us all. Not sure? Look at verse 23; “Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely …” God is using the hardest, heaviest things to grow up as parents and our children as learners.
One Question to Pray for Grace and Discipline
Persistently pray 1 question: “God, show me if this behavior is idle, fainthearted, or weak.”
“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit.”
1 Thessalonians 5:14-19
Our children experience a heavy load of mental and emotional stress as they process new norms, receive waves of change, adapt to different expectations, and absorb a steady stream of loss. Many of them grieve simple pleasures of childhood that abruptly fell away with little explanation or resolution. Acting out with strong attitudes and behaviors presents one of the only ways children have of raising a flag of concern. With limited vocabulary and immature emotional frameworks, the resources have yet to develop to equip them for understanding or to allow them to communicate their questions, feelings, and pressures. That behavior driving you crazy tells you something.
“God, show me if this behavior is idle, fainthearted, or weak.”
The IDLE child
If a child is idle (lazy, listless, unproductive), seek understanding about why. An idle condition may lead to a change in schedule or activity, connection to others (even virtual), or a need for exercise and less technology. Does it reflect a sinful choice (Some translations use “unruly.”) to rebel against obedience? Or does it point to physical fatigue, a need for motivation, a mental health need, or the next possibility … discouragement? Knowing the heart of our child is a big question, which is why we need to spend time in prayer.
The FAINTHEARTED child
If a child is fainthearted (discouraged, little-spirited), tenderness and time may be what’s needed instead of more math problems. Eye contact, physical closeness, playfulness, and genuine attention go a long way in strengthening a weak spirit and sad heart. Grownups are having their own bouts of fainthearted feelings in the midst of this. A diet of God’s Word, worship music, a calm environment (even 10 minutes!), and a prayer partner go a long way in strengthening our own weak spirit. When a child lacks interest in learning or acts out, it may be their best effort to send you a message they are discouraged.
“Encourage the fainthearted.”
The WEAK child
If a child is weak in a life skill or academic ability, it may overflow into frustration at home. Is your learner losing it over practicing letters? Melting down over division? Screaming about screen time? The message you may need to hear could be hidden in their attempts to avoid the weakness they feel. And we should understand, because “this” makes us aware of our weaknesses. We might need to:
- scale back the amount of work
- tell the teacher it’s not working
- get a helper or tutor
- pray with your child about it
- share about your own weakness
- save it for next month
Often, children literally cry out for us to help them in their weakness. Until they have the emotional maturity, self-awareness, and broad vocabulary to explain it (I’m still working on this!) their tears or anger may be their only way of letting you know they’re weak. If your child is challenged by a weakness, help them.
The challenges of this historic time are bringing out the evil in some of us and in some of our homes. God helps us respond with LIGHT and WISDOM. His Spirit grows us, so we don’t repay our growing children with ugly parenting behavior for their ugly childish behavior. Instead, we can seek to respond to our idle, fainthearted, and weak children by doing good to them and being patient. Like God does with us. That’s hard. That’s why it’s something God accomplishes in us. That’s why we pray for help.
Pray all the time. Give thanks for all of it. The Holy Spirit is working through it. God intends for us to repay our growing children in our groaning homes with LIGHT and WISDOM.
Practical Grace and Discipline Tips from Moms I Know
- An environment of encouragement creates space for loving discipline.
- The world is changed and so is “normal,” so don’t measure life the normal way.
- The expectations we used before are out of date for 2020.
- When confronting a child, do it one on one.
- Check in privately with your child regularly and ask how they’re doing.
- Resist the urge to enable your child’s “success” to make yourself feel good.
- Allow your child to fail so they learn to be accountable.
- Create opportunities that best fit a child so they can share their feelings.
- Guard a child’s dignity, especially when disciplining.
- Let you child experience you enjoying them.
This is hard all over the world friends. But we don’t have to be overcome by darkness or start to parent or teach in a dark way. No. We can do this with LIGHT and WISDOM. “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” (Verse 24)
