Peaceful Conversations in Complicated Times

I tapped the red square to close the call and exhaled. The conversation was short, but I was tired. Did I even get to ask my questions that prompted the meeting? Why did I have the distinct impression I was misunderstood? I came away feeling foolish, without the information I needed. I would not reach out again. What ever happened to peaceful conversations?

When the force of a conversation is too much, we limp away with questions. Figuring out how to have peaceful conversations with others means we need to exercise purposeful practices to dial back the force of our communication. The challenge comes in learning to be aware of how we come across. Without bringing a mirror to every conversation we enter, how do we monitor our engagement before it’s too late?

3 Keys to Peaceful Conversations

Three indicators help us evaluate our forcefulness: Interruption, Necessity, and Duration.

INTERRUPTION

We’ve all been the voice of the interrupter. Before someone else is done expressing their thought, we make a decision to end it. We stop them, cutting off or hijacking their thinking. When our brain is in motion, which is a good thing, it’s easy to begin our own thought before the one we’re receiving is done. Most interrupting seems to happen without even thinking.

And that’s the problem. Frequent interrupting intensifies the force of our communication.

What might it say when we interrupt? Could it say:

• I’m in control of this conversation.
• You’ll participate when I let you.
• I’m the powerful one here.
• I’ll tell you what to think.
• Your thought is less important than mine.

Rarely does it say, “Look out! You’re about to spill your latte!” In that case, interrupting is kind. But most of the time, it’s controlling. For that reason, interruption may need to lead us to confession. Ephesians 4:29 warns us of communicating in a way that “drains the grace.”

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Interruption habits say, “My words are more necessary than your words.”

NECESSITY

Communication is the process of gaining understanding. Enter into a conversation where the other conversant clearly wants to understand you, and the force feels gentle and kind. “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” (Colossians 4:6)

Gracious speech springs from a heart that desires to “know” and understand how best to respond.

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing,” (Proverbs 12:18).

We choose a posture in a conversation and, ultimately, in a relationship. That posture may say, “Understanding you is most necessary to me.” Or it may say, “Being understood is most necessary to me. ” Is the focus on me or you? If it feels like conversations with someone are always about them, it might be because they are.

Healthy, loving relationships balance both understanding others and being understood. When both individuals see the other’s heart and mind as a “necessity” to understand, they meet in a place of peace. This diffuses the overly aggressive force that our flesh brings apart from God’s Spirit helping us to be a voice that “brings healing.”

Sometimes, it takes time to work towards the all-important understanding we desire. How long we hold the space of the conversation impacts the forcefulness of our interaction.

DURATION

When one person dominates a conversation, one person walks away feeling dominated. This isn’t about those times when a friend gives the gift of listening long and lovingly about something heavy on a heart. This is about a common conversation or a confrontational conversation when one person possesses the space. One speaker holds the opportunity to be understood, simultaneously making the point that the other person doesn’t need to be — understood. Or that the dominating speaker just isn’t thinking about the other person at all.

Perhaps pride lurks at the root of talking too long — an unloving duration. God knows we have this tendency to be our own main character in the spotlight. This may be why he warns, “I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment,” (Romans 12:3b). Sober judgment means reasonable, careful thinking. Be serious about how we think of ourselves in relation to others.

When we don’t get a grip on the duration of our piece of a conversation, we may disclose it and diminish it at the same time.  

• “Oh, look! I’ve got to go and I’ve done all the talking.”
• “Well we’ll have to do this again. Maybe you can tell me your story next time.”
• “Sorry. I guess I had a lot of words today. You hardly got a word in.”

We’re thinking highly of ourselves when we keep such a tight grip on the conversational space that we leave no space for thinking highly of others. Sharing in a conversation means sharing the conversation.

Peaceful Conversations ~ A Last Word

Relationships are too important to just let conversations happen without intentionally practicing the habits of the “tongue of the wise.”

• May we learn the skill of being a calming force.
• May we notice interruption and confess it for what it is.
• May we genuinely believe that understanding others is a necessity.
• May we get a grip on the duration of our words to honor others with time to enter in.
• May we keep listening to ourselves so we learn to listen to others.

It will take work to FIND peaceful conversations in these complicated times. Our conversational force can feel like an assault or like a peaceful presence. Now more than ever, our world is in bad need of people committed to being a peaceful presence.