The wishbone may be torn apart on Thanksgiving Day, but that should be all. Holidays with extended families have the potential to tear a husband and a wife apart. What does a holiday do to your oneness?
Whether you live a block away or a state away, days like Thanksgiving draw extended families back together. Jeff and I have never had the privilege of living near our families, and sometimes that hurts, but it’s also forced us to cling tightly to each other. A rarity for most of us, having a house full of Uncle Earl, baby Meg, and crazy Cousin Cora gathered a round a platter full of poultry has a way of freshening up family bonds and renewing memories of our heritage. Suddenly, we remember where we get our nose, our flat feet, and our preference for lumpy gravy. We might even remember we were born with our family’s version of a sin nature that keeps popping up in the family album. Today’s families are peppered with blended relationships, steps, kids-moved-home, and internet introductions. People will be tweeting and posting status updates about the fixin’s before the gravy has time to congeal in the Tupperware. Will time with relatives help or hurt your married oneness?
As we reconnect with family, some of us will find ourselves with a dirty dilemma. Husbands and wives who once vowed to leave and cleave will be forced, again, to … choose. Choose between giving preference to their family of origin and their chosen spouse. Do you think your spouse is 100% confident that you would pick him? It may be a clear choice to make, but cranberry-sauce sticky to live out.
This past week I had 3 conversations that impacted me: two wives and one husband. They include a newlywed, a once-deployed soldier, and a married-awhile mate. I didn’t seek out any of the conversations, but each shared the same challenge with me: pressure on their oneness from in-laws. One saw the pressure inflicted on finances, one on holiday plans, and one on decisions about children and family life. One of the marriages under pressure just snapped like a wishbone: torn apart.
When God established “house rules” for His people, Israel, the unity of a married man and woman meant so much to Him that He gave new couples a year long “free pass.” The husband had a year of freedom to focus on solidifying his bond with his wife so nothing would pull them apart.
“If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married” (Deut. 24:5).
“Free” to get so close that nothing drives a wedge between them. Not even relatives. That doesn’t mean wives can’t hang out in the kitchen or that husbands can’t go for an early morning hunt, but it means that even extended family shouldn’t pull on partners, so as to separate them. That will give you true freedom to enjoy your relatives, because after all, they ARE “family.”
Does your holiday make you feel like a wishbone? Sometimes relatives may want you all to themselves so badly that they may pull on you and, unwittingly, pull you apart. Don’t let them get their wish; commit to be “free” to stay together and bring happiness to each other.
5 Ways to Keep From Being Pulled Apart
- Make your family decisions between the two of you – Your plans, times to come and go …
- When it comes to your money, you two make the decisions – What to spend, gifts to give …
- Give attention and preference to each other – Serve each other, talk to each other …
- If you have children together, parent them together – Care needs, discipline decisions …
- Build each other up in conversation to relatives – Share successes & activities you 2 do …
This Thanksgiving, don’t let loved ones pull you apart. Love your chosen loved one first, and then love your extended family next.
To prepare your heart for Thanksgiving, you might also enjoy:
Thanks Julie. So enjoyed our chat. I always learn something from you and leave refreshed. Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! 🙂
So glad Katie. I enjoyed it too, and always enjoy what I learn from YOU! Blessed Thanksgiving to you, too, friend!
Julie, this was so good. In years’ past, i came to loathe the holidays. We realized we couldn’t seem to deal with the ugly conflicts that time with family brings, so we finally stopped “celebrating” with extended family altogether. They’re not very happy about, but we’re MUCH happier 😉
Every family is unique, and sometimes we have to set hard boundaries so that we can remain loving in our families. That may mean they aren’t happy about the boundaries, but it’s so important to keep our oneness intact. It can be hard for some family to see at the time, but they really do want our “undivided oneness” too. Here’s to the wishbone!