Where marriage and singleness intersect, we learn a lot about ourselves. In hearing some “Single Things” this month, we really can’t bring some conclusion to the conversation without pulling back the curtain on a little discussed question: Do married women resist befriending single women out of fear for their own marriages?
Sometimes, I think we do.
Last week, on her blog Impact, Sandra Peoples shared a report from 2008 that said 41% of babies born that year were born to single moms. The number had risen dramatically since 1990 and has continued to grow. In my own county, more than half of the children live in homes with single parents. Children learn patterns at home they are likely to repeat in their own lives … unless someone intervenes.
It’s not easy to make it as a single parent today, financially, let alone other ways. Many single parents welcome support and involvement from other loving adults who will encourage and mentor their children, helping them to carry the load as they strive to be the best parents they can be. Many fatherless children would be blessed by the input of a godly man in their lives. But what if that man is your husband?
Are you afraid to share your husband? Do you fear one of the big 2?
I’m afraid he won’t give our own kids enough time
From the perspective of a married mom, I know my husband has a lot to fit into his limited time just to be the husband to me and the father to our kids that he needs to be. But Dads don’t have to ignore their own children in order to impact others. Godly men will be more likely to speak to, notice, care about, love, and include children from single parent homes when their wives are confident enough to encourage them to do so. God is a Lover of the fatherless; “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.” (Psalm 68:5-6)
I see godly women I know who are sharing their husbands as foster daddies, Sunday School teachers, coaches, youth leaders, and neighbors. Access to a godly man makes a difference.
I’m afraid it may put our own marriage at risk
Because of the high rate of divorce in AND out of the Church, married women have legitimate reasons to guard their relationships. Unfortunately, some women may become distracted or unreal in their concerns, focusing on single women as a threat to their sacred union. There is a place for discernment and wisdom, but fear isn’t part of a strong marriage.
The best way for a woman to guard her relationship is to be a great wife and focus on building a strong marriage. Let’s face it, sustaining paranoia is exhausting; a fearful wife pushes her husband away. Married women don’t have extra energy to waste on sustaining fear. Instead, focus on growing a more perfect love. After all, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” (1 John 4:18) If a wife wants to have an affair-proof marriage, she needs to pursue perfect love and overcome paranoia.
If God wants to set “the lonely in families,” maybe He wants us (That’s the married us) to demonstrate perfect love by opening our families to the lonely around us.
Single moms are blessed when married women:
- Befriend them, because they share motherhood in common
- Give their children access to a godly man
- Include single parent families in activities and church life
- Know their needs and pray for them
- Support them through gifts of time, resources, & help
As a married mom, I am so thankful for the times when my husband lifts my load by helping around the house, listening to my burdens, giving me a day (or an hour) off, or holding me when I need a hug. Single moms don’t have that. More than half of the parents in my county don’t have that. An even greater number won’t have that next year. If loving parents don’t help kids from single parents see healthy marriages while creating their impressions of family life, the number will grow.
Married gals, be honest. Are you reluctant to share your husband with a single lady around you because you’re scared? Ask God to teach you perfect love to cast that fear out, and be a blessing to a single parent and her child.
Check out the post Is Your Church Single-Mom Friendly? by Sandra Peoples
Tomorrow come by to read the final Single Things post and hear what my single friends said about the real ways that married women can pray for them. You can also enter to win a copy of Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages for Singles.
