It’s hard to know how merciful your marriage is until you have a reason to hate each other. Instead of just avoiding a little evaluation here, it serves us well to stop and consider, “How full of mercy am I to my mate?” Because I don’t want you to experience that “I could hate you right now” moment, I’m going to invite you to come alone with me on mine. Put yourself in my shoes … or in my driver’s seat.
Mercy test
Three weeks ago our family was ready to depart on a 2 1/2 week trip to 3 countries. Jeff and I have the honor of being ambassadors to overseas each year, but we wanted to take our kids on one of these journeys just once, before we send them off to college. After careful saving, this was the summer. It takes a lot of planning and preparation to get 4 people ready to travel to 3 totally different locations/climates and to leave work and a household behind. Sunday morning, July 1st, we were so ready that I felt okay heading off to church 6 hours before airport time. Jeff went early, so JoHanna and I prepared to follow.
Having given the garage door opener to a 
house sitter, Jo jumped out to close the garage door, while I held the car steady on our sharply inclined driveway. I wasn’t feeling stressed … just a little bit on “detail overload” with trip preparations. Whatever the reason, when Jo jumped back in the car, I pushed on the gas to drive up the hill … but I was in reverse, NOT DRIVE. In one quick motion, I backed the car full force into the closing garage door! I didn’t just dent the garage door; I destroyed it.
With just 6 hours to airport time, I created a household calamity demanding attention, time, and money we didn’t have. Not one to have a meltdown … I had a meltdown.
JoHanna called Jeff, who left a meeting to come home. Jacob let me cry on his shoulder in the meantime … and promised not to post pictures on Facebook. (Ahhh, teenagers…) I wanted someone to drive over ME with the car! It was a horrible, badly timed, costly accident. By the time Jeff got home, I was on the phone with the garage door company, blubbering to the operator …
Jeff had a reason to be really mad at me, to make accusations, to drill me with questions, to demand explanations, to be really frustrated. Anyone could’ve understood if “mercy” wasn’t the first thing to come out of his eyes and his mouth.
God offers us mercy when He could just respond with wrath. “Wisdom from above” is full of mercy, instead of being full of anger and accusation. Jesus promised blessing to “the merciful, for they shall receive mercy” (Matt. 5:7). It’s only when hard things happen that we have the opportunity to extend mercy instead of wrath to our spouse.
How to be mercy-full in your marriage
(As modeled by my husband when I made a mess)
- Lower your tone and slow your words
- Don’t touch until you can touch tenderly
- If you have bad feelings, tell the Lord
- Listen, and don’t ask accusing questions
- Guard your spouse’s dignity if/when you share
- As soon as you can, say, “It’s okay”
- Put your spouse’s heart above things like money, time, and details
- Resist bringing up the failure later as “leverage”
- Let the mess maker laugh first
- Use the mistake as a chance to love
You won’t know how merciful you are in your marriage until one of you makes a “mess” that could lead the other to anger or attack. Before you go there, why not decide that you will be full of mercy when the hard moments come? You’re guaranteed to receive mercy when you give it, and I can testify that receiving mercy when you feel like a loser is a HUGE RELIEF!
Garage door update
And just so you know, merciful friends stepped in to put up a tarp, meet with a repairman, and talk to insurance … while we were thousands of miles away. MERCY. Still waiting on the new door … and being reminded daily that God’s mercies are new every morning!
Have you ever been the cause of a “mercy moment?”
What would you add to the list of how to be full of mercy?
Oh my, how frustrating! And what a wonderful example your husband is!
Yes, he is, and so humbling when you realize you’re being given grace you do not deserve. I wished that the door would be fixed before we returned home … but it’s still “dangling” there, reminding me of how grateful I should be. 🙂
In that mercy finding the understnading that they did not intend to make “the mess” in the first place.
(In most circumstances) Although our nature is to express our emotions, thoughts and insights during a situation we must find the ability to understand before needing to be understood. That is why God so graciously gave us two ears and one mouth:)
Amen, Kendra. Seems like we just make a mess bigger when we jump over that “understanding step” to try and be understood. Marriage would be misery without mercy!
Oh, the list of things I could add for times my husband has had to be full of mercy towards me, and mercy (which he would readily admit as well) is not his gift, but God has used countless times to teach both of us this. LIke when I backed into another car, denting ours up. Or even worser things I’ve done which have only been God repaired, mercy given moments. The greatest show of mercy, and only a God act, was after the roughest months of our marriage ever, last weekend we renewed our wedding vows. God is good.
That’s a great way to celebrate the mutual mercy of marriage, Rach. So thankful with you, friend!