Great things are possible when faith-driven moms get together on the journey of motherhood! Today I welcome Melinda Means and Kathy Helgemo, co-authors of the new book Mothering From Scratch, to talk about how to kick mommy guilt to the curb.
As moms, we always feel like we’re messing up. It’s part of our mothering DNA.
If we aren’t feeling guilty enough, we have plenty of reminders of our shortcomings and inadequacies.
- Our kid is struggling with making friends, and we’re just sure that it’s because we didn’t socialize them early enough.
- Our strong-willed child is misbehaving and we believe it’s because we haven’t set appropriate, consistent boundaries every single minute of every single day.
Some of our thoughts border on ludicrous, like believing every common cold our child suffers is a result of not breastfeeding them long enough. Or, that our poor potty training techniques will keep them out of college.
Then, there are the legitimate, convicting feelings…
Maybe we find ourselves losing our temper with our kids — often. We resolve to stop, but find ourselves reacting the same way time and time again.
Whether legitimate or ludicrous, the effect is the same. Guilt robs our mommy joy, clouds our thinking and often paralyzes us.
How do we deal with these feelings in a productive way? What do we do? How do we gain control over our minds and emotions?
By answering the following three questions, you can kick mommy guilt to the curb. It’s not easy, but it is possible. We promise.
Is it true? 
Ask yourself, “Who is this really about?” Is the child truly suffering from my perceived mistakes – or is it only me? Our feelings and emotions can overtake the truth. It’s our job to use the real truth as a powerful boot to kick those condemning thoughts out of our head.
As moms, we’re all too quick to take responsibility for our children’s shortcomings. But how many times have you heard a mom say, “Katie is such a hard worker and so motivated in school. It’s all because of me! Aren’t I an amazing mother?”
Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?
Here’s the bottom line: We’re not responsible for all of their successes. And we haven’t contributed to all of their failures.
Mommy guilt stems from an illusion that we’re ultimately in control. We can guide and influence our children. But they have their own wills, giftings and opinions.
When we truly need to change something about our mothering, we have to be careful to not heap condemnation on ourselves. That is from the enemy. Condemnation makes us feel hopeless. Like change isn’t possible. And that our mistakes can’t be redeemed. Conviction is from the Holy Spirit. It causes us to feel remorse, but then spurs us to change and move forward.
What can I do about it?
We can start by asking ourselves, “What can I do about it right now?” If we’re not sure, we can ask another trustworthy mom who can provide some wisdom and perspective. This allows us to step back from our emotions.
Next, we can ask, “How can I avoid this mistake in the future?” If we’re chronically losing our temper with our kids, maybe we can make a plan to walk out of the room when we start to feel our temperature rising — at least until we can take a few deep breaths and regain control. Or, perhaps we haven’t been requiring our kids to help around the house and they’ve become a bit spoiled and entitled. We can come up with a plan to have them start helping with small tasks and build from there.
(Melinda) As a recovering people pleaser, I spent too many years enabling my kids. And then one day, I realized I was the only one doing any work around the house! I was resentful and exhausted. Worse, I wasn’t properly equipping my kids for the future. So, I simply started with asking the kids to bring their dishes to the sink. Then, emptying the dishwasher, which led to cleaning the whole kitchen. I got plenty of push-back at first. Their level of helpfulness is still not ideal, but we are making progress.
Moving in a positive direction toward change helps keep mommy guilt stay at bay. We may still struggle with some negative thoughts and emotions. However, positive action can help us see progress — even if it’s slower than we’d like.
(Kathy) I have always been very distracted and disorganized. This has translated into struggles with juggling all four kids demand. I feel enormous guilt when I forget something important, even if I’ve written it on my planner. I can’t help but feel less-than when I neglect to listen effectively when my children are talking, even though I already sat down, made eye-contact and am trying my best to focus. The best I can do is move in a positive direction toward improvement. It’s lightning years away from where I was 10 years ago.
Who can hold me accountable?
Who can keep us accountable with the action plans we have made to control mommy guilt? Our primary guide is the Holy Spirit. We can ask Him to convict our hearts if we lose our resolve or focus. Asking wise, caring people in our lives to help keep us on track has also been valuable for both of us.
A final word of encouragement: Our guilt, if processed and channeled properly, can often spur us to positive change. When our kids watch us mess up and seek God’s forgiveness, it helps them understand that His grace is easily accessible. They will see firsthand that mistakes are part of our journey and that change is possible.
- Where does mommy guilt trip you up the most in your mothering?
- What action have you already taken to kick it to the curb?
- Who has held you accountable for sticking with the truth behind your true convictions?
Kathy Helgemo and Melinda Means blog together over at Mothering From Scratch where their mission is to encourage and support mothers to find their unique mothering style. They both live in Southwest Florida with their husbands and kids. Melinda’s two and Kathy’s four have provided much humility in motherhood for both of them. Thankfully, they both depend on Jesus to carry them through the journey.
Their book Mothering From Scratch: Finding the Best Parenting Style that Works for You and Your Family is available NOW from Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Christian Book Distributors, as well as bookstores nationwide.
